Ch-ch-ch-changes

Usually, my parenting days vacillate wildly between these two voices, "WOW! You sure are good at this!!" and "WOW!! You sure are terrible at this; who let you have a baby, anyway?" They are like my own little shoulder-riding devil/angels. Every now and then, though, I have one of those cosmic, earth-shaking, path-altering A-HA moments, where something happens that is impossible to ignore or discount, and it totally changes the way I have been doing something, or communicating with Flipper, or just parenting in general.

I spent last week-end up in Stokes County, in Pinnacle, NC, (near Pilot Mountain) at an old college friend's lake and mountain house. Another friend was there, one with teen-agers. She teaches parenting classes, focusing on positive discipline and empowerment of children and young adults to find their way, and make choices, and I have always been fascinated with how she communicated with her daughters.

I have always thought of Flipper as a good kid-which she is-in part because she is really pretty obedient. Ask, or tell- her what to do, and she will do it, usually with no questions asked. Sometimes I provide reasons, but often she just does whatever it is she needs to. Even at two or three, I rarely got the NO! that so many parents do. This has always not just made me happy, but evoked a fair amount of pride in me as well. See how easy-going and obedient my little girl is!
BUT---M and I were in the kitchen of the mountain cabin, and Flipper was finishing her breakfast of chicken soup. I asked her to look at me and then said, "Please put the bowl in the sink. Pick up your napkin and throw it away. Go brush your teeth, and then you are done." She began to execute my "requests" which are really orders-when my friend said, "She is at the age where you need to start empowering her to make her own decisions about what to do." I was at a loss, "But how? What do I say?"
"You ask her, 'what do you need to do now that you are done?' You need to give her the power to start making the right choices, because you sure don't want her taking orders from other people when she is a teen-ager or a grown- up. You want her to think for herself." People, I tell you, this was a big eye-opener for me. Mostly because I knew-and believe-in how very RIGHT she was, and also the inward gulp of: Now I have to change. I think the hardest part of things that happen to us like this is simply trying to remember to implement the new talk, the new plan, the new way of doing something. However, I am determined to try. Because I DON'T want the obedient little girl that grown up to be the passive teen-ager that just goes along with her friends, or is unable to decide things for herself because her inner voice has taken a backseat to my voice. Or the teen that grows up and enters a relationship where she cannot judge accurately for herself when a partner's voice and actions slide from "caring" to "controlling" because I have been a controlling voice for so long. M cautioned me that this does take a fair amount of work, especially during the teen years to keep being honest, really listen to your children, carefully weigh actions taken in regards to their inevitable transgressions, but I am really hoping to turn this corner-and remember to keep turning.